ICPR Abstracts: Session 12

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Session 12: Symposium

Illusion or Reality?  Five Theories
 in Pursuit of a Phenomenon

What Do Intimates Really Want?

Harry T. Reis
University of Rochester

In this presentation, I will use intimacy theory (Reis & 
Shaver, 1988; Reis & Patrick, in press) to address the 
question posed by this symposium, namely whether 
partners prefer to be idealized or seen realistically in close 
relationships.  Using theoretical principles and findings 
from three studies, I will suggest that this dichotomy 
oversimplifies a complex dynamic process by assuming 
that these principles are mutually exclusive.  I will argue 
that individuals do indeed wish to be idealized by 
partners, but only if this idealistic view acknowledges and 
incorporates in some fashion self- understandings.  In 
other words, the impact of idealization in a relationship (in 
contrast to the more static issue of how one partner 
perceives the other) depends on feeling that partners 
understand how one feels about oneself.  Thus, shared 
understandings of self-views are prerequisite to effective 
idealization. 
        Intimacy theory posits that interactions are 
experienced as intimate if partners perceive the other's 
response to be understanding, validating, and caring.  
Understanding refers to the belief that the other accurately 
perceives how one sees one's innermost self -- i.e., that the 
other "gets the facts right." Validation, on the other hand, 
refers to affirmation of the self -- i.e., acknowledgment by 
the other that one's traits, capacities, and world views 
deserve respect and admiration.  We argue that validation 
is experienced as meaningful when it builds on 
understanding.  This is because without understanding, 
validating comments express support for an irrelevant or 
rejected view of self, and may therefore be experienced as 
immaterial, hollow, or even critical.
        I will briefly describe findings from three studies 
that examine the impact of these factors in social 
interaction.  The first two studies are experiments in 
which we orthogonally manipulated understanding and 
validation.  Results supported hypotheses proposing that 
validation has strong effects on attraction and emotions in 
interaction, and that its impact is significantly greater 
when based on views of the self perceived to be accurate 
rather than inaccurate. 
        The third study, a diary study comparing natural 
interaction in friendships with varying degrees of 
intimacy, demonstrated that intimacy in real-life arises to 
the extent that partners' responses are perceived to be 
understanding, validating, and caring. 
        These findings will be used to support the 
proposition that validation is what partners really want in 
their close relationships, but that validation is 
psychologically useful only to the extent that it is grounded 
in shared views of the self. 


Positive Illusions in Close Relationships:
Is Love Blind or Prescient?

John Holmes, University of Waterloo
Sandra Murray, University of Michigan

The results of a large-scale longitudinal study strongly 
support the notion that seeing strengths in a partner that 
the partner doesn't see (ie., having "positive illusions") 
predicts the longevity of serious dating relationships and 
increased satisfaction over time.  Why might such 
apparent "misunderstandings" have such positive effects, 
in contrast to what Swann's self-verification theory might 
lead us to expect?  We suggest that the inclination to see 
the best in a partner often has self-fulfilling effects in 
relationships. In terms of specific mechanisms, we found 
that idealizing a partner was associated with a generous 
interpretational style that bolstered positive perceptions 
and reduced later conflicts (a "transformation" process), 
and moreover, protected individuals from the potentially 
negative effects of initial doubt and conflict that did occur 
(a "buffering" process). Further, idealizing a partner was 
related not only to increases in the partner's satisfaction 
over time, but most critically, to the partner developing 
more positive self-appraisals and attachment models of 
self (a "reflected appraisal" process). Thus individuals' 
prophecies proved to be (spuriously) accurate, apparently 
because individuals created the interpersonal reality they 
desired. 
        Our interpretation is not that individuals with 
positive illusions have naively optimistic 
misunderstandings about their partners' traits, but rather 
that they are predisposed through personality or 
relationship sentiment to be very charitable and tolerant in 
their construals -- a Victorian virtue. Indeed, there was 
strong evidence that high self-esteem, secure individuals 
were most likely to maintain such "illusions."  Conversely, 
low self- esteem individuals' less generous portrayals of 
their partners reflected their serious underestimation of 
their partners' positive feelings for them.  Further, naivete 
was associated with fragility, not hardiness in 
relationships -- in a study on cognitive structure, we found 
that individuals who naively denied the significance of 
their partners' faults by compartmentalizing them had 
relationships that dissolved more frequently than 
individuals who linked the faults to greater virtues. On the 
other side of the interpersonal coin, we also do not think 
that idealized partners would feel "misunderstood."  
Instead, we believe that self- perceptions in relationships 
are often somewhat uncertain, and that very positive 
reflected appraisals could serve to validate a partner's 
"possible self." 


Idealization and the Motivation to Expand the Self

Arthur Aron and Elaine N. Aron
State University of New York at Stony Brook

This paper explores motivational and cognitive 
underpinnings of idealization, based on the self-expansion 
model and data collected in the context of that model.  
That model proposes a fundamental motivation to expand 
the self and that love arises when a potential relationship 
is perceived as offering opportunities for self- expansion. 
        A less-emphasized premise of the model is that 
humans seek unlimited self-expansion, an idea following 
from the observation that humans have a capacity to 
imagine ultimates.  When ultimate objects or experiences 
are imagined, they can be sought (sometimes even 
perceived as having been briefly experienced). Such 
ultimates are typically described consistently with this 
idea of complete self-expansion.  Thus we have focused on 
romantic idealization as a vision of a perfect other (not 
merely better than reality) with the attendant implication 
of ideal (i.e., limitless) self- expansion, following Brehm's 
(1988) description of passionate love as involving the 
ability to "construct in one's imagination an elaborated 
vision of a future state of perfect happiness" (p. 253). A 
vision of perfection has also been seen as related to 
unusually intense transference or projections in 
psychotherapy. 
        To explore the above ideas we compared intense 
and less intense love experiences in a data base of several 
hundred open- ended accounts and several thousand 
questionnaires.  We found many discontinuous jumps in 
patterns of relations among variables for the intense love 
experiences, supporting the prediction that those who love 
strongly are not just more in love but differently in love, 
seeking or experiencing an opportunity for unlimited 
expansion or perfect happiness.
        Finally, we note that the value and meaning of 
such "illusions" should not be assigned lightly.  
Idealizations, especially when unrequited, can lead to 
severe emotional upheaval and life disruptions.  Yet, at 
the time or later, many report such experiences as high 
points of their lives.  Also, having such experiences and 
then "waking up" to the humanness of the other, if 
analyzed, is held by some to contribute significantly to 
personal development. 


Partners as Champions of the Ideal Self:
Partner Enhancement Processes in Close Relationships

Caryl E. Rusbult, 
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Stephen M. Drigotas, Southern Methodist University
Jennifer Wieselquist and Sarah Whitton
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

Close partners shape and transform each other over the 
course of long-term interdependence.  "Partner 
enhancement" refers to a process of behavioral 
confirmation whereby partners' beliefs about and behavior 
toward each other are congruent with each individual's 
ideal self.  Enhancement of each partner's ideal self 
characterizes committed, well-functioning relationships.  
Specifically, we suggest that partners develop beliefs 
about each other and behave in accord with those beliefs, 
influencing the course of interaction by constraining 
certain behaviors and creating opportunities for other 
behaviors.  Partners may thereby elicit a subset of each 
other's full behavioral repertoire, such that over the course 
of extended involvement each partner comes to exhibit 
behaviors and traits that accord with the others' beliefs.  
To the extent that these beliefs and behavior are congruent 
with the partner's ideal self, movement toward the ideal 
self is enhanced. 
        Four studies utilizing complementary methods 
revealed support for this general model, employing self-
report, partner-report, and peer-report evidence.  First, 
movement toward the ideal self is associated with partner 
perceptual affirmation -- that is, when the partner's beliefs 
about the individual are congruent with the individual's 
ideal self.  Second, movement toward the ideal self is 
associated with partner behavioral affirmation -- that is, 
when the partner's behavior is congruent with the 
individual's ideal self. Third, movement toward the ideal 
self is more strongly associated with partner behavioral 
affirmation than with partner perceptual affirmation.  
Fourth, partner enhancement processes are associated with 
individual well-being (e.g., life satisfaction, emotional 
well- being) and couple well-being (e.g., commitment, 
probability of persistence, dyadic adjustment). 


Some Effects of Moods on Perceptions of Our Own 
Relationships: Creating Illusions 
or Illuminating Reality?

Margaret S. Clark
Carnegie Mellon University

Over the past two decades many studies have documented 
the effects of moods and emotions on judgments of 
ourselves, others, and situations.  Generally these studies 
have shown that moods lead us to evaluate ourselves, 
others, and situations in a manner consistent with the 
evaluative tone of the moods or emotions.  If we are happy 
we view all these things more positively.  If we are sad we 
view them more negatively.  Recently, investigators, 
including ourselves, have begun to examine the effects of 
moods and emotions on relationships, both in general and 
in terms of specific events (e.g. conflicts) occurring in 
those relationships.  While there are some complexities in 
the findings, once again, moods and emotions generally 
have been found to produce judgments that are consistent 
in evaluative tone to the mood or emotion. 
        In this talk I will briefly review recent findings 
regarding how moods influence judgments about our own 
relationships and about events such as conflicts that have 
taken place within those relationships.  (For example, in 
one recent study we found that negative moods, induced by 
films, lead subjects to increase the amount of blame they 
place on themselves, on the other, and on the situation for 
relationship conflicts.)
        Next I will turn to the question of whether 
moods cause biases or illusions about our relationships or 
whether moods make us more sensitive to the reality of 
our relationships.  The answer, I will argue, depends upon 
the processes through which moods and emotions have 
their effects.  I will provide evidence for some processes 
and against others.  In the end I will conclude that while 
moods and emotions may well create some illusions about 
just how globally good or bad our relationships are, these 
illusions often are created paradoxically, by heightening 
awareness of specific good and bad realities of our 
relationships. 
        I will conclude by addressing the questions of 
whether:  a) the global illusions about our relationships 
created by our emotions at any given time are good or bad 
for the relationship and b) heightened awareness of 
relationship realities is good or bad for relationships. 

Discussant
Ellen Berscheid
University of Minnesota